So I started a podcast. To share my story. Our story, really – with my voice I guess. I correct myself, and include “our” in this story – because we forget about the men during infertility. That they feel too. My diagnosis of infertility has impacted both of us.
I named the podcast Diagnosis: Infertility because one day I was putzing around on My Chart and clicked diagnosis.. And it read: hemithyroidectomy, hypothyroidism and infertility. And it kind of took me aback. I hadn’t quite considered myself “infertle” yet.. But here I was – it is officially on my medical chart – and it’s still there 9 years later..
The diagnosis had me thinking.. How it doesn’t really go away after you have kids. The trauma lingers.. Like a thief – stealing your mindset even years after giving birth. I still twinge when someone announces their pregnancy. I still get a pit and knots in my stomach when someone has their 20 week scan. My heart starts to race anytime I’m in a group setting or text and I have a hunch someone is going to announce a pregnancy. I have two kids. Why is this still happening to me?
Because I haven’t processed through my trauma yet.
So I created a podcast. For two reasons – 1. To heal myself and tell my story – I can’t help but think that my story will impact someone, somewhere, someday. And 2. Because I didn’t have this support when I was going through the trenches of infertility – but also now – even after it all – we need encouragement too. We need to normalize how even though we have our babes, the trauma hasn’t quite gone away.
I’m not doing this alone. I’m in therapy. I’m learning to be vulnerable, but I am also learning that I was enough even though I was “infertile.” I didn’t really think I was good enough, because I couldn’t get pregnant. I felt like a failure. Because I wasn’t successful at getting pregnant. In fact, I COULDN’T get pregnant. It was impossible on my own.
The podcast is here to debunk that theory. That we are less than enough because we are infertle.
-A
